understanding

picture link

 

Ok, I get it now.

 

For weeks, maybe even months, I have not been myself. 

 

I don't know who I was or am, but I know.  It was not me.

 

A part of me feels confused looking at the rest of me, trying to understand the feelings and emotions and words that are coming out.  So tired.  So sad.  So impatient.  So angry.  So apathetic.  So..... blah. 

 

"No I am not going to the gym today, I can't. No, I started the laundry, but I couldn't see myself throwing it into the dryer.  Dinner? How about some sandwiches, everyone can make their own. I think I had a shower yesterday. Why, do I smell?  Oh my god, that was due today, I totally forgot! No I am not going to go for a run, no way Jose! I can't do it all, if you think the house is a mess, you clean it!  Go out without me, I just can't fathom being in other peoples company today. Say hi for me.  Actually no, don't bother, not that they will care anyway."

Artist Link

 

Do I want to run away? Am I falling out of love?  Does anything really even matter in the long run?  Do I matter to anyone at all?  If I curled up in bed for a week, would it make a difference?   

 

Am I going crazy?

 

No.

 

I am unbalanced.

 

 

Very Unbalanced.

This picture speaks of me. 

This is my body and my brain. 

 They are looking at each other. 

They are trying to work it out. 

They are trying to work together.

I hope they keep looking at each other.

I hope one doesn't turn its back on the other.

 

 

I really took notice when my body felt it.  Not my brain, because that is tricky.  I have gone through a lot in the last 5 years and I just figured it was my brain trying to catch up.  International moves, life changes, adjustments, growths and losses.  Turning my world upside down and inside out.  So I suppose I just figure my brain is working through all of that and making me feel, depression maybe?  But my body, oh it decided that I better start listening to my brain, because "Hey Sister, something is UP!"

 

Ache.  Pain. Ache.  Loss of strength. Pain.  Fatigue.  Pain. Weight gain. Ache.  Insomnia.  Pain.

 

I am really trying to get my attention.

 

"HELLO.....Ya you.  Up there all lost in your own little world, your isolated blocked off self.  Pay Attention To Me!!!!!!!!!"

 

So I did.

 

I took my stubborn self to a doctor.  I HATE the doctor.  I have to open up and share with the doctor.  I have to talk about my body and how it is failing me with the doctor.  How my my soul is hurting and confused and lost has to be brought in to the open and shared with someone else.  Yes, I tend to be a closed book.  With a lock. But I took the key out this time and bared it all to the doctor.

 

Blood work.  Lots of it. 

 

Testing my hormone levels (possible early menopause!!!!)

 

Testing for Rheumatoid Arthritis ( please NO!!)

 

Testing for Diabetes  (can I give up the sweets?)

 

Testing my Thyroid function (am I turning into my mother, really!?)

 

Testing, testing 1..2..3..

 

What can it be?

 

 

Three days of impossible waiting. 

 

At least we went camping and had a fantastic time with wonderful friends and family.  I tried to keep my mood up.  Pretty sure I have them all fooled.  "I am fantastic. I feel wonderful. Life is good!"

 

Call on Monday from the doc.  Please come in to talk about the bloodwork.  Tomorrow.  245.

 

Ok, I can wait another day.  If it was really really bad I would be called in there ASAP.  But I am not.  So I am ok. 

 

I head to work.  A short evening shift, only 4 hours.  I am so tired and fatigued and sore that I have to take a break every 30 minutes.  I am out of breath.  My shoulders are on fire.  My feet hurt.  My wrists are so weak!  Don't get me started on my back. 

 

Next morning getting out of bed is a CHORE.  Hobble to the bathroom, hardly able to walk.  My feel and ankles feel locked up.  No bending here unless I want it to hurt.  Get the kids ready for school.  Drive.  Drive, oh my god drive?  The worst pain comes when I drive.  My knees shoulders back and wrists!  OUCH.  Such a simple thing.  But it has been happening for a few weeks or even months.  Shouldn't I just be used to it by now? 

 

Suck it up princess, its called middle age, right?

 

At the doctor I am relieved to hear many things.

 

Blood sugar?  spot on

Hormones?  fine

Cholesterol?  superfantasticawesome

Kidney function? fantastic

 

scary moment

 

Rheumatoid Arthritis?

 

I have been mentally preparing for this moment.  I am convinced that this is what I am dealing with.  I did my (internet) research. 

 

Rheumatoid Arthritis?  negative

 

(in my head a very large crowd cheers)

 

Thyroid?  well......

 

This is the problem. 

 

 

 

My thyroid levels (TSH, T4 etc) are a little high of normal.  My thyroid is functioning at about 75% of what it should. 

 

My thyroid antibodies.  Well that is a different story.  My immune system is attacking my thyroid gland.  Like it is some foreign body that does not belong.  Someday these attacks will cause my thyroid to wave the white flag and surrender.  Stop functioning.  Give up.  Not care anymore.  (sounds like me now!)

 

My thyroid is inflammed, enlarged and this little tiny part of my body is making my entire being different.  I know it.  I can feel it.  And now I can try and do something about it.

I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. 

 

So I am now trying a course of synthetic thyroid hormones.  To give my thyroid a break, so it doesn't have to try so hard.  So my body and mind can feel like me again. 

 

As Q says, "At least now we know what's up.  And there is a course of action to fix it and make you feel better.  And improve your mood." 

 

But mostly to make me feel better.

 

To make me feel like me.

 

Balanced.

 

(HA!  As If i will ever find balance in my life.  But here's to trying!)