a different balance

I have been pondering a lot lately between the balance between me and the rest of me. 

confused? so am i....

The balance between ME: myself and my needs and wants and wishes and hopes and dreams and thoughts
and the rest of me: my family, my job my commitments




Maybe the problem is that I keep thinking myself as more than one ME.  Coordinating all these different facets of myself may become easier once I consider all of these parts of me as one whole me. 

song in my head today

Nobody knows, 
nobody knows but me  
That I sometimes cry, 
if I could pretend that I'm asleep

  When my tears start to fall 
I peek out from behind these walls 
I think nobody knows, 
nobody knows, no
 
Nobody likes,
 nobody likes to lose their inner voice 
The one I used to hear before my life made a choice 
But I think nobody knows, no no Nobody knows, no
 
Baby, oh the secret's safe with me  
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be 
 And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone 
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown?
 
And I've lost my way back home 
 I think nobody knows, no
  I said nobody knows 
Nobody cares
 
It's win or lose,
 not how you play the game
  And the road to darkness has a way 
 Of always knowing my name 

But I think nobody knows, 
no no Nobody knows, no no no no
Baby, oh the secret's safe with me
  There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be 
 And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
  Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown?
And I've lost my way back home
  And oh, no no no no Nobody knows 
No no no no no no
 
Tomorrow I'll be there my friend 
 I'll wake up and start all over again 
 When everybody else is gone No no no
Nobody knows  
Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart 
 The way I do when I'm lying in the dark  
And the world is asleep
 
I think nobody knows
  Nobody knows
  Nobody knows but me Me

Copied from MetroLyrics.com

help

help

HELP

H.E.L.P.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

help





help.

This is a BIG word.

It is an important word.

And i have some big troubles with it.

I just, for the life of me, can not ask for help.

I don't exactly know why.  I don't want anyone to know I need help.  It frustrates me to no end.  I actually get anxious and nervous and sweaty when I have to ask for help.  At home, at work,  doesn't matter. 

This past weekend, hubby and big kid went on a fantastic camping weekend.  I was scheduled to work, so my dear momma agreed to come and stay the weekend with me to watch the little kid while I worked.  Yes, I asked for help, but it wasn't so much for "I can't do this thing, I need help" but more a "Little kid can't stay alone, will you be able to help with this" kind of help. If that makes sense.  In my head it does....(unbalanced, yes I know)

So it was after this was agreed upon that I started to feel really really awful.  I had been suffering body aches and pains for a while, but now I was feeling very low and sad and depressed.

 

 

The house fell apart.  I think hubby just thought I was being lazy and terrible.  The floors were a gross dusty mess.  The kitchen was a slight disaster, but not terrible.  My bedroom...laundry piled higher than the bed.  Clean unfolded uncared about laundry.  The bathrooms were not awful, but not great.  The kids bathroom was much better than mine.  I figured that I was OK with my things being a disaster, but the kids shouldn't have to live in a mess of my doing.  All my energy went in to keeping their things tidy and clean.  Left no energy for the rest of it. 

Momma was coming on Friday to stay.  It was Tuesday that I found out what the heck was going on with myself.  I called her to let her know what was up and to just chat about it.

I confessed that the house was a disaster, a warning to her before she got here.
"So what?" she said.

I confessed that I was tired and cranky and sad.
"So what?" she said.

I confessed that I had so much to do and I just didn't feel like caring.
"So then, don't care about it" she said.

Don't care?  She told me "You are not capable of caring right now, and that is OK."

Is it ok to not care?  Not really.  But it will have to be acceptable....maybe?

So I took a little look around the house and told myself that it was OK.  Hubby would be understanding now that I have a diagnosis of something.  The kids will understand why mom has been so tired and lazy and detached and un-present for this last while.  I decided that for now it was OK to not care.  Just to take the time to get better, and wait to care again.

After careful explanation to all my boys, they were all very understanding and enlightened as to what was up.  Yes the big kid admitted he noticed I was different.  The little one told me I seemed tired all the time.  The hubby seemed relieved that I was just tired, and not tired of him. 


Friday evening the 2 big boys are on their way to camp, and the little guy and I wait for Gramma. Looking around the house I decide I just cannot let my mom see how bad it really is.  I clean the kitchen and the bathroom.  I dust the furniture and clear off the coffee table and dining room table.  I am about to start sweeping the floors when I look out the window and see my mom. I realize that I am so desperate to not seem like I need help. What the heck is wrong with me? When she comes, she comes with flowers and hugs and a stern, "Go to bed".

Next morning I drag myself out of bed, throw the piles of clean laundry on the bed, thinking I can tackle this project after work.  Off to work I go.  Busy day, lots to do.  I head home totally exhausted and done.  When I get home it is to the sound of a washer and dryer, hum of a dishwasher, and the smell of clean.  Oh no!  Someone has been busy.

I get in and say hi to the little guy.  Don't see my mom yet.  Go to my room to change and have a shower.  Sitting on the bed are ALL the piles of clothes, neatly folded and sorted.  Dressers are tidied up and everything straightened up.  The bathroom is clean and I am so grateful.  While I am showering it hits me hard. 

I feel so guilty.  I tried to "not care" but I don't know how to not feel guilty.

I am so guilty that I can't even keep up my house.  That I can't keep up with the kids.  That I am not keeping up my marriage.  Not keeping in touch with family enough.  Not making time for friends.  Not walking the dog enough.  Not taking care of the garden. Not going to the gym. Even for not wishing a happy birthday to someone on facebook. I mean really.  I am crying and heartbroken.  This is a really really low point.  Its like I can step outside myself and see how I am feeling, know that I am not being reasonable. Irrational even. Yet I can't stop it. 

After I shower I get changed into some comfy lounging stuff, find my mom, cleaning the other bathroom, and say a big huge thank you.  Even as a teen, I just couldn't stand to ask my mom for help.  But now she is here and giving to me. I never did ask for this help, in words.  I think she saw my eyes pleading for help.   I am humbled. I am ashamed. I am grateful.

I have to learn to ask for help.  I never think less of people that ask me for help. I am always willing to help them.  So why do I think people will think less of me if I can't do something on my own?  I need to find the balance between my pride and and my shortcomings.

I always tell the kids.  Just ask.  The worst you will hear is no. 

Should listen to my own advice.

real life

Today was a bit of a struggle.

I could not for the life of me sleep last night.  Was after 1am before my eyes would shut.  And I woke up many times after that tossing turning and going between being too hot or too cold.

When the alarm rang at 520 this morning, i almost started crying.

So of course I snoozed it. 

3 times. 

Inevitably I had to get up and get going.  I did pull up the scheduling phone number a few times on the phone, but I decided to suck it up and go to work. 

I feel like I went through the day in an absolute haze.  Retracing my steps over and over, forgetting to grab necessary items for the job.  At one point I do believe I was walking down the hallway while sleeping.

It was a busy day and all I want to do is crawl in to bed and sleep until tomorrow. 

But alas life awaits.  Kids need picking up.  Dinner needs making.  Big boy and hubby need to get packed up and go to Scouts camp this weekend.  Laundry is multiplying exponentially on the floor. 

And,  hooray my mommy is coming to help babysit the little boy while I work this weekend and the other two monkeys are away.

When she gets here, I WILL be going to bed.

hopefully I will sleep

 

understanding

picture link

 

Ok, I get it now.

 

For weeks, maybe even months, I have not been myself. 

 

I don't know who I was or am, but I know.  It was not me.

 

A part of me feels confused looking at the rest of me, trying to understand the feelings and emotions and words that are coming out.  So tired.  So sad.  So impatient.  So angry.  So apathetic.  So..... blah. 

 

"No I am not going to the gym today, I can't. No, I started the laundry, but I couldn't see myself throwing it into the dryer.  Dinner? How about some sandwiches, everyone can make their own. I think I had a shower yesterday. Why, do I smell?  Oh my god, that was due today, I totally forgot! No I am not going to go for a run, no way Jose! I can't do it all, if you think the house is a mess, you clean it!  Go out without me, I just can't fathom being in other peoples company today. Say hi for me.  Actually no, don't bother, not that they will care anyway."

Artist Link

 

Do I want to run away? Am I falling out of love?  Does anything really even matter in the long run?  Do I matter to anyone at all?  If I curled up in bed for a week, would it make a difference?   

 

Am I going crazy?

 

No.

 

I am unbalanced.

 

 

Very Unbalanced.

This picture speaks of me. 

This is my body and my brain. 

 They are looking at each other. 

They are trying to work it out. 

They are trying to work together.

I hope they keep looking at each other.

I hope one doesn't turn its back on the other.

 

 

I really took notice when my body felt it.  Not my brain, because that is tricky.  I have gone through a lot in the last 5 years and I just figured it was my brain trying to catch up.  International moves, life changes, adjustments, growths and losses.  Turning my world upside down and inside out.  So I suppose I just figure my brain is working through all of that and making me feel, depression maybe?  But my body, oh it decided that I better start listening to my brain, because "Hey Sister, something is UP!"

 

Ache.  Pain. Ache.  Loss of strength. Pain.  Fatigue.  Pain. Weight gain. Ache.  Insomnia.  Pain.

 

I am really trying to get my attention.

 

"HELLO.....Ya you.  Up there all lost in your own little world, your isolated blocked off self.  Pay Attention To Me!!!!!!!!!"

 

So I did.

 

I took my stubborn self to a doctor.  I HATE the doctor.  I have to open up and share with the doctor.  I have to talk about my body and how it is failing me with the doctor.  How my my soul is hurting and confused and lost has to be brought in to the open and shared with someone else.  Yes, I tend to be a closed book.  With a lock. But I took the key out this time and bared it all to the doctor.

 

Blood work.  Lots of it. 

 

Testing my hormone levels (possible early menopause!!!!)

 

Testing for Rheumatoid Arthritis ( please NO!!)

 

Testing for Diabetes  (can I give up the sweets?)

 

Testing my Thyroid function (am I turning into my mother, really!?)

 

Testing, testing 1..2..3..

 

What can it be?

 

 

Three days of impossible waiting. 

 

At least we went camping and had a fantastic time with wonderful friends and family.  I tried to keep my mood up.  Pretty sure I have them all fooled.  "I am fantastic. I feel wonderful. Life is good!"

 

Call on Monday from the doc.  Please come in to talk about the bloodwork.  Tomorrow.  245.

 

Ok, I can wait another day.  If it was really really bad I would be called in there ASAP.  But I am not.  So I am ok. 

 

I head to work.  A short evening shift, only 4 hours.  I am so tired and fatigued and sore that I have to take a break every 30 minutes.  I am out of breath.  My shoulders are on fire.  My feet hurt.  My wrists are so weak!  Don't get me started on my back. 

 

Next morning getting out of bed is a CHORE.  Hobble to the bathroom, hardly able to walk.  My feel and ankles feel locked up.  No bending here unless I want it to hurt.  Get the kids ready for school.  Drive.  Drive, oh my god drive?  The worst pain comes when I drive.  My knees shoulders back and wrists!  OUCH.  Such a simple thing.  But it has been happening for a few weeks or even months.  Shouldn't I just be used to it by now? 

 

Suck it up princess, its called middle age, right?

 

At the doctor I am relieved to hear many things.

 

Blood sugar?  spot on

Hormones?  fine

Cholesterol?  superfantasticawesome

Kidney function? fantastic

 

scary moment

 

Rheumatoid Arthritis?

 

I have been mentally preparing for this moment.  I am convinced that this is what I am dealing with.  I did my (internet) research. 

 

Rheumatoid Arthritis?  negative

 

(in my head a very large crowd cheers)

 

Thyroid?  well......

 

This is the problem. 

 

 

 

My thyroid levels (TSH, T4 etc) are a little high of normal.  My thyroid is functioning at about 75% of what it should. 

 

My thyroid antibodies.  Well that is a different story.  My immune system is attacking my thyroid gland.  Like it is some foreign body that does not belong.  Someday these attacks will cause my thyroid to wave the white flag and surrender.  Stop functioning.  Give up.  Not care anymore.  (sounds like me now!)

 

My thyroid is inflammed, enlarged and this little tiny part of my body is making my entire being different.  I know it.  I can feel it.  And now I can try and do something about it.

I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. 

 

So I am now trying a course of synthetic thyroid hormones.  To give my thyroid a break, so it doesn't have to try so hard.  So my body and mind can feel like me again. 

 

As Q says, "At least now we know what's up.  And there is a course of action to fix it and make you feel better.  And improve your mood." 

 

But mostly to make me feel better.

 

To make me feel like me.

 

Balanced.

 

(HA!  As If i will ever find balance in my life.  But here's to trying!)